Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
