Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
