Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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