Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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