apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
