yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
