i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
