You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
