I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
Just invented taco cereal.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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