Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
