I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
Randomize
