I didn't shave. On purpose
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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