i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
