He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
They are going to name an STD after you.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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