I can feel you judging me through the phone.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
it was like having sex with a tree stump
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
His nipple licking is glorious
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