since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
She came to the party with six kegs and a life sized portrait of Lavar Burton. SHE WILL BE MY WIFE.
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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