how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
I just pawned the ring from my ex boyfriend to replace the ring I lost from my current boyfriend. #thanks
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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