my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
