Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
Randomize
