I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
The police scanner is talking about you again....
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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