I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
