I am spending my child support on dildos
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
Randomize
