Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
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