my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
