he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
