Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
Randomize
