the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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