I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
