I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
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