maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
this will be a night to untag.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize