Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
this hospital has no fireball
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Randomize
