OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
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