I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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