Jerry, you need to find god
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
my bf wants us to fuck our way into the new year.. how original..
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Actions speak louder than pants.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
