Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
