And when I look at him, I just want him to say "I love you" in between deep thrusts and hard grunts.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
So apparently I’m into choking now
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
