You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Of course I have a pirate flag
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Randomize
