Your mouth is God's brothel.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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