how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
