is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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