Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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