It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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