she just stood in the kitchen yelling "REAL WOMEN HAVE CURVES"
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
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