So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Randomize
