Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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