Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
