i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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