Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
