i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
my professor just said "the power of the situation"
drink
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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