winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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