real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I'm really busy with my period
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