I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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