I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Randomize
