it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
