I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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