I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
