im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
You could give me a blowjob later? :)
I meant do something romantic..
Blowjob In the moonlight?
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
