my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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