Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
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