remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
