And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
you pissed in a zip-loc bag and wanted 60 dollars for it
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
Randomize
