she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
that's just what you get for learning massage techniques from gay porn
All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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